Reflections at a cliff's edge

What does it feel to simply let go? I finally discovered what it feels like to just jump off a cliff putting aside all hesitation, fears and anxiety that is human nature.

It was last week (see pictures here) that we went to Tali Beach in Batangas and the experience, though not exactly the kind were you have a lot of things can do, was rather a reflective one. The first time I jumped, which took around 5 minutes before I decided to really go for it, got me having flashes of my life mixed with feelings of panic, anticipation, and fear between the cliff and the sea water below. It is funny really, when you look back and think about it but the feeling of it was totally insane.

Looking back, I wondered whether that same feeling is what goes runs through the minds of those with suicidal tendencies, jumping off balconies. Do they, at some point in the middle of the fall, think back again and just realize that they are really falling and realize the mistake of trying to take their life?

I mean, during that first jump, those thoughts came into my mind. Thinking, "Shit! I'm really falling! I have nothing to hold on to nor am I standing on anything solid!" It was just you and the air molecules surrounding you. Even if it was only for a second, it also, at some point, feels like an eternity. In the end though, we were all cushioned by the cool sea waves and whatever panic we encountered in between quickly disappear. Unluckily, for the suicidal person, they land on solid concrete.

Scary to realize that the feeling is quite addicting and you would somehow understand what it feels to jump of a 37 storey building. The experience is an exhilarating one but not one that you'd try to replicate in the middle of the Makati business district. After all, no one from the group I came with (myself included) have any suicidal tendencies.

Damn, this entry got weird the moment I wrote about suicide. Going back to my thesis sentence, what does it feel to simply let go? To let go of one's self, one's emotion, one's personal lies, one's insecurities? I guess, it is a mix of many emotions, mostly on the side of fear and hesitation but the end result is a sense of accomplishment and pride. Come to think of it, it's much like death and life.

At the end of the day, when Toffee finally got to jump, he felt very proud. And somehow, we all did and we all will too.